New York— After months of failed attempts, Fox Anchor, Tucker Carlson successfully held a fart through the 8 o’clock time slot Friday. “It wasn’t easy.” Said Fox Producer, Phil Stockwell. “You could really see the strain in his face. Even more than when he’s just trying to think.”
Broadcast gas has often plagued the young anchor throughout his career, but with his recent promotion to Fox’s popular 8 pm time slot, after Bill O’Reilly’s sudden dismissal amid sexual harassment allegations, Carlson has faced renewed pressure from Fox executives to break news, not wind.
“8 o’clock’s the big leagues.” Said Stockwell “Tucker’s gas was never a big problem before because, frankly, not many people watched his show. When Fox viewers see a skinny, mop-topped kid in a bow tie, they think it’s a Gap commercial or some goddamned thing and change the channel. It happens. I mean, he’s been at Fox since 2009, and up until a year ago, I thought he was Roger Ailes’ golf caddy.”
But Carlson isn’t the first conservative news host to grapple with career-threatening flatulence. “You’ve got to be full of hot air to make it in this business. ” Stockwell said. “All these guys struggle with it: Beck, Limbaugh, Geraldo Rivera. These are spirited people. They’re fired up about the issues, and so are their gut flora.”
The truly great conservative pundits, claims Stockwell, are those who embrace their own gaseous tendencies. “You can’t fight the fart.” Stockwell said. “Tucker might get away with holding one in now and again, but it’s just not a sustainable strategy moving forward. But that’s a lesson he’ll have to learn on his own.”
In the meantime, Stockwell recommends Mr. Carlson looks to the greats for inspiration: like Sean Hannity, who, against all odds, learned to utilize the anatomical peculiarities of his rectum to perfectly mimic his own voice. “I’d say anywhere from about 40%-70% of the words you think are coming out of his mouth…well, aren’t.”
Then there’s Bill O’Reilly, whose ill-tempered flatulence helped forge his beloved, raucous style. “Whenever O’Reilly ripped ass, he was usually screaming so loud, you couldn’t hear it.” Stockwell said. “Although, Bill did have an unfair advantage. He’s about 6 inches taller than the average anchor, so the microphone was much farther from his butt.”
While Fox producers remain hopeful that Mr. Carlson can replicate Friday’s uneventful performance, they’re not counting on it. “We’re pursuing a number of possible solutions,” Said Stockwell. “Padding the seat of his pants with noise-dampening goose down, toying with theme music volumes. We’re even experimenting with noise-canceling technology to project low-frequency, inverted farts to nullify the occasional on-air mishap.”