Washington- Facing widespread national backlash and flagging support within his own party, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced plans Tuesday to delay The Senate health care vote until after his summer molt.
The untimely molt, which top aide, Jennifer Wiesman, called “the worst I’ve seen in nine years,” has left the Kentucky Senator flaky, inflamed, and despondent in recent weeks.
“A typical molt should take no more than three days.” Said Wiesman, who’s well-versed in the Kentucky Senator’s growth and molting patterns. “Day one his skin grows dull and taut. Day two his eyelids fall off. And day three, the old skin splits–usually at the crest of the skull or the base of his tail–and sloughs off in one piece.”
But Senator McConnell’s recent molt has spanned well over a month, and, according to Wiesman, there’s no end in sight.
“We’re doing all we can to assist him during this time.” Said Wiesman. “Misting him with deionized water, spot treating with various creams and ointments, but nothing seems to help. The pressure of this health care fight seems to have stunted his growth.”
While many Senate Republicans are eager to put the health care vote behind them, Senator McConnell’s staff and colleagues remain supportive of his decision to postpone the vote.
“He absolutely made the right decision.” Said Wiesman. “He can’t lead his caucus girdled in dead skin. He needs to get back to Kentucky, burrow underground for a couple of days, find some abrasive roots to rub against, finish molting, and come back with a young, supple skin and, hopefully,–fingers crossed–some new plans to fuck people over.”