Washington— As senate democrats lambasted the republican’s newly unveiled health care legislation at Monday’s filibuster, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was clearly enraptured in what appeared a long-awaited sexual fantasy. As the democrats recounted the many ways the bill would hurt the poor and working class, the Kentucky senator appeared weak-kneed and smitten and was frequently spotted wiping steam from his glasses with trembling fingers.
The evening built to a fiery climax as Massachusetts Senator, Elizabeth Warren, took the floor. As Warren exclaimed the phrase “tax cut for the rich,” the Kentucky senator reportedly gasped the lord’s name and collapsed onto his lectern as his muscles clenched rhythmically in what was certainly a very sensual experience for The Majority Leader.
While late spring and early summer are typically peak breeding season for the Majority Leader, many of his colleagues have noticed a recent spike in the Senator’s reproductive efforts.
“He just finds the thought of slashing Medicaid and throwing millions off health insurance extremely arousing,” said a republican colleague before adding, “Yeah, Mitch loves this stuff.
“He’s passionate about health care reform.” Said a top advisor, Cheryl Davis, who, just last week, entered the Kentucky Senator’s office for a scheduled meeting, and found the Senator shirtless and prostrate in a bed of minced lettuce. Davis claimed Senator McConnell’s frequent “courtship dances” are “slightly distracting”. However, she remains optimistic with the current state of the Republican party and largely unfazed by The Majority Leader’s frequent attempts to tickle her face with his front claws.
Senator McConnell’s colleagues aren’t the only ones to notice his supercharged libido. Capital Hill janitor, Rick McGrady, has noticed a sharp increase in the Kentucky senator’s nesting habits. “Something’s definitely changed.” Said McGrady, who’s been cleaning up McConnell’s nests for years. “This time of year, it’s not uncommon to find a nest or two in a basement stairwell or utility closet. But I’ve never seen anything like this.” McGrady described past nests as “practical, but nothing fancy. Grass clippings, leaves, maybe a couple of pine boughs.” But the senator’s recent efforts have been much more elaborate. “Seduction is absolutely the goal here.” Said McGrady, describing intricate displays of swale grass and fern, adorned with mashed berries, ornamental snails, and bits of regurgitated fish bone.
While a vote on the new health bill is still weeks away, those close to the Kentucky Senator worry his excitement is premature. After recently discovering the Majority Leader attached to a large rock in The National Mall, a top aide admitted he’s “concerned” whether Senator McConnell is capable of successfully leading his caucus to strip healthcare from millions of Americans in his constant state of aphrodisia. “Look, I get it.” He said. “Penning evil legislation is exciting. But this health care fight’s just getting started. And when you factor in the thrill of Monday’s terrible CBO score, I’m just not sure The Majority Leader’s head is where it needs to be if he wants to bring this thing home and literally kill some poor people.”