Washington–Surrounded by reporters and Republican legislators gathered in celebration the passage of the H.R. Res. 63 “Disposal of Excess Land” bill, a relaxed, jovial President Trump made several lighthearted jokes about suppressing the media before “blindly pawing around his desk for something that felt like a piece of legislation and promptly signing a fast food menu into law without hardly a glance.”
“It was definitely uncomfortable when we all realized Paul [Ryan] was still holding the actual bill.” Said Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “Luckily, he faked a coughing fit and managed to drop it out an open window onto The South Lawn before Mr. Trump noticed.”
“When Paul turned back around, he gave The President a celebratory pat on the back and immediately started clapping, and we all just sort of went along with it,” said McCarthy.
Once signed, The President “triumphantly” raised the Chinese menu for all to see, slowly turning the new law left to right as cameras flashed.
“We were pretty much all holding our breath at that point.” Said McCarthy. “It was way too late to play it stupid, and that’s pretty much all we’ve got.”
However, after scanning the document for “several moments”, The President pointed to menu item L-16, nodded approvingly, and announced his fondness for beef teriyaki as he passed the newly signed law to Reince Priebus for safe keeping.
Typically the party of deregulation, Republican lawmakers have scrambled to downplay the new law’s effect on the food and beverage industry.
“Compliance couldn’t be easier.” Said Paul Ryan on Wednesday’s Meet The Press Daily. “If you’re a restaurant operating in The United States, simply ensure all menu items come with mandatory sides of fried rice, spring rolls, crab rangoons, and boneless spare ribs, and you’re all set.”
When asked whether the new law would also outlaw menu substitutions and monosodium glutamate, Speaker Ryan insisted he wasn’t going to “get into specifics.”