Report: Series of Events Went Nothing Like Cat Planned

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Kensington, CA- After ascending a teetering pile of cookbooks perched on a top kitchen shelf, local cat Derek’s plans to bathe in the highest, least-stable location in his entire house were cut short when a sudden movement sent the cookbooks crashing down on his adopted father’s head. Immediately falling into a blind panic, Derek lost his footing and plummetted several feet into a warm lasagna. The terror continued as Derek’s adopted father, clutching his head and shouting profanities, pelted Derek with baby carrots, as he tore across the countertop en route to the basement.

“The whole thing went absolutely nothing like he’d planned.” Said Cheryl, a dinner guest, who described Derek’s expression as “mostly surprised” as he accelerated out of the lasagna. “He was just shocked. You could tell he’d carefully considered a number of possible outcomes but clearly hadn’t seen this coming.”

Thankfully, neither Derek nor his adopted father sustained serious injuries, and, while they’ve settled their grievances, Derek has been asked to cancel all future explorations of the house’s cabinetry.

 

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