Today’s topic: President Trump’s budget proposal. Spoiler alert: it’s really good. Of course the liberals wasted no time tearing it apart, claiming it’s “cruel” and “inhumane” just because it drastically cuts every social welfare program in existence.

I don’t need to explain why massive cuts to education, public housing, transportation, The Center for Disease Control and Prevention, heating assistance for poor people, and supplemental nutrition programs for low-income pregnant and nursing women are good for our country. That’s just common sense.

But what I do need to do, is disprove the latest liberal conspiracy theory: that it’s impossible for President Trump to cut taxes, increase federal spending, and balance the budget because math exists. This is the same kind of realistic thinking that’s been dragging America down for so long. Don’t buy it.

So Where Did This Factual Rumor Start?

With the liberals, of course. Where else? Let me explain.

Basically, in order to balance the budget in ten years, the Trump Administration assumes the economy will grow at a rate of 3% over the next decade, which is a full percentage point higher than economic analysts are predicting.

And the so-called “problem” with this assumption is The Trump Admin already accounted for this economic growth in their tax plan. So they’re counting the same growth revenue twice–once to fund tax cuts and once to balance the budget.

Okay, so first things first: Who cares? This is a proposal budget, dummies. And a proposal budget is entitled to include some weird assumptions, shady math, and at least a couple of downright lies.

Second: Pay attention to the wording. The budget is called “A New Foundation for American Greatness.” Not “A Good Foundation…” not “A Stable Foundation…” not “A permanent, lasting, reliable, solid, strong, sturdy, rugged, safe, or particularly well-built Foundation,” merely a “New” Foundation. And it might be built out of fuckin’ popsicle sticks for all we know. The Trump Admin hasn’t clarified. So stop putting words in our President’s mouth.

And third: If you liberals really think 3% GDP growth is unattainable, then you’re clearly not patriots. Because guess what? I’m a patriot, and I know that being a patriot means believing in America more than math, more than reason, more than facts, more than logic, and definitely more than reality.

And just to prove that you’re all wrong, I’m about to propose a two-step plan that will VERY EASILY lead to  80% or 90% economic growth. But first…

What Causes Economic Growth, and Why Economists are Dumb.

Economic growth is largely the product of two things: the size and productivity of the American workforce. More workers and efficiency means higher profits for businesses, more money in peoples’ pockets, and, ultimately, more tax dollars for the government. Everybody wins.

But economists seem to think that Trump’s policies aren’t conducive to economic growth?

And instead, they’re calling for a return to Clinton-era policies, with increased immigration and all sorts of fancy technological advances.

Hey, here’s an idea: how ’bout no. Because, frankly, that sounds like the same pro-immigration, anti-coal agenda that got us into this mess.

Here’s a much better idea: how about we supercharge economic growth without any immigration or technological innovation whatsoever. Here’s how we do it.

Step 1: Massively Increase the U.S. Workforce WHILE Keeping Borders Sealed Tighter Than a Ziplock Bag.

How do we increase the US workforce without immigration? Simple. With a good old-fashioned American baby boom.

That’s right. Back when I was a youngster, when a man loved a woman, know how he showed it? With about ten or eleven babies. But nowadays, thanks to the rise of secularity, no one’s having babies anymore, and our population growth has ground to a halt. Don’t believe me? Take a look below.

See? Our population only expands by a PATHETIC 100 million in the next forty years. It’s no wonder our economy is barely chugging along. SAD!

Why is this happening? Well, like most major problems facing our nation, the cause can be traced back to the the liberals and the degradation of traditional family values.

For the past 60 years, liberals have waged an all out war on sexual morality. They travel the country in vans, visiting daycares and elementary schools, touting the pleasures of premarital sex, and handing out ribbed trojans and tubes of KY jelly. So it’s no wonder many of our nation’s youth regard the sacred act of copulation as casually as a game of Scrabble.

But guess what? The Joke’s on them. Birth control just means we’ll have ourselves a nice Republican baby boom!

So here’s the deal. There are currently 75 million Millennials in the country. Half are female, and let’s assume that about eight-ninths of them are Republican. So that’s about 33 Million.

Now, if each of these lovely ladies has about ten babies, we should be in much better shape. Let’s take another look at that graph…

Wow! That’s more like it!! In about twenty years, we’ve doubled the population, GREATLY increased our workforce, AND boosted tax revenue by about $500 billion.

So how do we put this plan in motion?

How to Start A Baby Boom.

Well, you certainly can’t do anything out of wed-lock. So, step one: find yourself a mate. Here are some tips.

How to Attract a Woman.

1. Confidence- Women love confidence. Now, why is that? Well, think about it. A woman wants a man, not some weirdo who gets sweaty around pretty girls. Because if a beautiful burglar breaks into your house, your wife needs to know that you’re not too nervous to protect your family.

2. Dominance- Did you know that in the rodent world, the highest ranking male always sires the most offspring? Coincidence? Nope! Chicks dig dominance.

So how do you showcase your dominance for a special someone? Easy. Before approaching a potential life partner, stop and quickly physically best the largest male or female within arm’s reach. Next, from a safe distance, maintain 30-40 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact. Once completed, approach with your nostrils flared and proceed to belittle her friends.

3. Status- Women love money and status. So forget pleasantries, forget introductions, want a pickup line that will actually work? Try: “I own land.”

4. Dancing- There’s no better way to show a woman what your body’s capable of than by cuttin’ loose on the dance floor. Good dancers and good lovers share many of the same traits: raw athleticism, flexibility, rhythm, coordination, endurance, an appreciation for the softer works of Van Morrison.

And good news. Dancing is Easy. Just do this.

And not this.

And for the Ladies out there…

How to Attract a Man.

1. Exist in public.

How to Make More Babies.

Well… there’s only one way I know of….so let’s get weird.

A few Tips for Makin’ Babies.

If these tips don’t light a fire in your underpants, you might want to check your pulse.

1. Three words: Baby Makin’ Music. Here’s a little number for you. And if you and your partner still have your pants on after four minutes and fifty-five seconds, you might want to consider adoption.

Does that song sound familiar? Of course it does. You were probably made to it.

2. Pray for some action. Nothing like a little spiritual foreplay. A quick lord’s prayer to set the mood, and, in the words of Jesus himself, “Thy will be done.”

3. Roll playing. Adultery is a sin, but, thankfully, roll playing allows us to live out our wildest fantasies with our virtue intact. It’s like a hall pass from God. So go crazy.

Not sure where to start? Here’s a fun scenario you and your partner can try out: pretend you’re two people who’re sexually attracted to each other!

4. Spice things up with a new toy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Don’t waste time with aphrodisiacs. You can lay around all day eating pomegranates, but if you really want a sexual pick-me-up, know what you need? A massive shot of dopamine. And for that, you’ll need something a little more potent than a couple of raw oysters.

Now The Bible is very clear about the perils of alcohol, but it doesn’t say a word about cocaine. So here’s what you do: take a weekend, mark it down on the calendar, get a couple of robes, some candy, some dance music, shut off your cell phones, and you and your partner treat yourselves to a little Cocaine Shut-In.

Step 2: Increase Worker Efficiency Without Job-Killing, Anti-Coal Technology.

Increasing worker efficiency is super easy. There are tons of common sense solutions, like canceling holidays, boosting the retirement age, limiting vacation time, seven day work weeks, etc. But here are a few ideas you probably haven’t considered.

1. Promote a Family Atmosphere in the Workplace. That’s right. You’re the parent, and your subordinates/ employees are the kids. Know how my old man kept his kids in line? With his fists. So if someone starts complaining, give them to the count of three, and then really give them something to complain about.

2. Let workers know that they’re replaceable. Fear and insecurity are excellent motivators.

3. Listen to your employees. Employees need to feel validated. They need to feel like their input matters. Thoughtfully listen to their ideas and suggestions for job improvement, and then tell them to shut the hell up and get back to work.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

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