Friday, December 13, 2019
Heaven- After national leaders made multiple nuclear threats on social media, The President of The United States referred to white supremacists as "fine people", and a neo-nazi plowed a car into a crowd of anti-hate protesters all in the same...
Washington- Facing widespread national backlash and flagging support within his own party, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced plans Tuesday to delay The Senate health care vote until after his summer molt. The untimely molt, which top aide, Jennifer Wiesman,...
Kensington, CA- After ascending a teetering pile of cookbooks perched on a top kitchen shelf, local cat Derek's plans to bathe in the highest, least-stable location in his entire house were cut short when a sudden movement sent the cookbooks...
Milford, CT- Following a recent nail clipping, sources confirmed local cat, Susan Brooks, is still holding a grudge. However, local authorities believe the days-long grudge is subsiding, after reports that Susan is no longer starving herself in attempt to shun...
Washington- Following a full pardon by The President, an emboldened Joe Arpaio encountered new legal troubles during a scheduled visit to The White House, after attempting to detain The First Lady on suspicion of residing in the country illegally. While...
Washington— As senate democrats lambasted the republican’s newly unveiled health care legislation at Monday’s filibuster, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was clearly enraptured in what appeared a long-awaited sexual fantasy. As the democrats recounted the many ways the bill...
Kittery, Maine--Local tabby cat, Jeff, finally found the most comfortable place on earth putting an end to a centuries-long, species-wide search. "At first it was just a pile of warm laundry on a Tempurpedic mattress," Said Jeff's adopted Mother, Michelle....
Washington- Intending to swiftly end Donald Trump's presidency, California Representative, Brad Sherman (D-CA), introduced an article of impeachment to the Republican-held House of Representatives, assuring his constituents: "Trust me. This will definitely work." "I just can't believe nobody's thought of this yet."...
Washington--Surrounded by reporters and Republican legislators gathered in celebration the passage of the H.R. Res. 63 "Disposal of Excess Land" bill, a relaxed, jovial President Trump made several lighthearted jokes about suppressing the media before "blindly pawing around his...
Washington- Moments after expressing his frustration with Senate Democrats' refusal to "engage in a serious way" in the Senate's recent health care effort, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnel was blown off The Senate Floor by a massive thunderbolt cast...