Kittery, Maine–Local tabby cat, Jeff, finally found the most comfortable place on earth putting an end to a centuries-long, species-wide search.
“At first it was just a pile of warm laundry on a Tempurpedic mattress,” Said Jeff’s adopted Mother, Michelle. “Then one thing led to another, and, before I knew it, I was cleaning out my closet and had piled about thirty scarves, a few silk shirts, an eiderdown comforter, some microfiber towels, and an armful of mismatched fleece socks on top. At some point, I left my Grandmother’s velvet-lined jewelry box perched on top with the lid off. I didn’t see Jeff come in, but when I turned around, there he was, roosting inside.”
“This is big news for the species.” Said Dr. Nelson Pierce, a leading feline somnologist who has been studying feline sleep habits for over forty years. “Felines are goal-oriented creatures. And the goal, so far as we can tell, is to maintain consistent levels of heightened comfort and sleep most of the time.” Dr. Pierce said.”In fact, the only reason that cats ever wake up is they’re haunted by a nagging sense that there might be somewhere more comfortable close by. Therefore, cats are extremely adventurous nappers. Leave any object out in the open–a crock pot, a gravy boat, a hollowed-out watermelon–and at some point your feline will attempt to sleep in it.”
Even seemingly unrelated behaviors, such as play, can be traced back to a feline’s constant pursuit of comfort, claims Nelson. “When Jeff bats around a shriveled baby carrot or freaks out with a piece of string for thirty seconds, he’s not enjoying himself; he’s venting pent-up frustrations result of a recent lapse in comfort or an upsetting nap performance.”
But with Jeff’s recent discovery, comes a whole host of new questions. “So he’s located the most comfortable place on earth. Now what? Will he be satisfied? Will he crave greater comfort? We really have no idea what this means for the species.” Said Dr. Pierce.
So far, the feline community’s reaction has been predictably weird. “Cats are typically solitary animals.” Said Dr. Pierce. “Yet hundreds of local cats have been congregating into small tribes and trekking miles to Jeff’s house to partake in mass sleepings. It appears to be a sort of spiritual pilgrimage for them.” Dr. Pierce said. “Although it’s unclear at this time whether they’re hoping to usurp their master’s throne, or if they merely find the presence of their messiah extremely comforting.”