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Report: Local Man Training for Television Marathon
Keene, NH- With the 2017 television season rapidly approaching, local graphic designer, Pete Holden, has begun preparations to achieve a lifelong goal: complete a...
Joe Arpaio Detains Suspected Illegal Immigrant, Melania Trump
Washington- Following a full pardon by The President, an emboldened Joe Arpaio encountered new legal troubles during a scheduled visit to The White House,...
The Republicans’ New Health Care Strategy: Maintain and Rename
After a last-ditch effort to repeal key parts Obamacare was shot down in a dramatic late-night vote in July, congressional Republicans are reportedly eying...
Report: Series of Events Went Nothing Like Cat Planned
Kensington, CA- After ascending a teetering pile of cookbooks perched on a top kitchen shelf, local cat Derek's plans to bathe in the highest, least-stable...
Report: God Planning Universal Deluge
Heaven- After national leaders made multiple nuclear threats on social media, The President of The United States referred to white supremacists as "fine people",...
Gym Rat Hopeful Acquires Giant, Sloshing Jug of Neon Liquid
La Mesa, CA- Looking to take his physical fitness to the next level, gym rat hopeful, Glenn Reinhardt, recently acquired a giant, sloshing jug...
Leaked: President Trump’s Original Charlottesville Statement
Washington- A leaked document from The White House shows President Trump originally drafted five statements on the violence in Charlottesville before finally offering his...
Local Programmers Launch First Anti-Social Media Platform
Great Update reporter, Josh Freeman, recently sat down with Dan Heller and Eric Armond, to discuss the launch of their Anti-Social Media Platform, "Hermit". The...
In a Rare Show of Political Courage, Democratic Governor Becomes a Republican in an Increasingly Red State
Huntington, West Virginia- In a rare showing of political courage, Governor Jim Justice announced plans to switch to the Republican Party in his increasingly...
Mitch McConnell Struck by Thunderbolt from The Heavens Amidst Plea for Bipartisan Health Care Effort
Washington- Moments after expressing his frustration with Senate Democrats' refusal to "engage in a serious way" in the Senate's recent health care effort, Senate...
In Much Needed Victory for The White House, President Trump Signs Chinese Menu Into Law
Washington--Surrounded by reporters and Republican legislators gathered in celebration the passage of the H.R. Res. 63 "Disposal of Excess Land" bill, a relaxed, jovial...
Mitch McConnell to Delay Health Care Vote Until After Summer Molt
Washington- Facing widespread national backlash and flagging support within his own party, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced plans Tuesday to delay The Senate...
California Congressman Files Impeachment Article Against President Trump, Says: “Trust me. This will definitely work.”
Washington- Intending to swiftly end Donald Trump's presidency, California Representative, Brad Sherman (D-CA), introduced an article of impeachment to the Republican-held House of Representatives, assuring...
Tucker Carlson Successfully Holds Fart Through 8 O’Clock Time Slot
New York— After months of failed attempts, Fox Anchor, Tucker Carlson successfully held a fart through the 8 o’clock time slot Friday. “It wasn’t...
BREAKING: Local Cat Finds Most Comfortable Place on Earth
Kittery, Maine--Local tabby cat, Jeff, finally found the most comfortable place on earth putting an end to a centuries-long, species-wide search.
"At first it was...
Jeff Sessions Implements ‘Casual Friday’ at Department of Justice
Washington-- In a recent memo, Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, ordered the immediate implementation of a 'casual Friday' policy for all employees of The Department...
Mitch McConnell Clearly Aroused as Democrats Expound on Cruelty of Senate Healthcare Bill
Washington— As senate democrats lambasted the republican’s newly unveiled health care legislation at Monday’s filibuster, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was clearly enraptured in...
How to Easily Balance The Federal Budget Without Any Math Whatsoever
Today's topic: President Trump's budget proposal. Spoiler alert: it's really good. Of course the liberals wasted no time tearing it apart, claiming it's "cruel" and "inhumane"...